BLOG

Aspects of Asperger

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

Depression, meltdown, shutdown and other side effects 


How I was already saying I often struggle with depression and burnout but as i was trying to explain in “Asperger brain” being autistic is overwhelming and a lot do deal with - every day 


so having episodes where you can’t handle it specially with destabilizing events in my life those side effects are very common 


I was seeing a therapist because of it for almost 5 years before I got my diagnose but I am not upset she only treated my “symptoms” instead of trying to find the “source” because even knowing that I struggle with it because of my autism there is no pill I can take to make it go away - so that I’ve been learning to simply deal with it and work myself out of it was a big help 


When I was living alone nobody really saw the downside but living together with my ex boyfriend was making it impossible to hide it 


Because that is basically what I do - I hide and cut out everything for days , weeks or even months at a time 


If I wouldn’t have my dog I wouldn’t even leave the house I wouldn’t care when the food is gone because in those times i don’t even feel the need to eat 


Every even so little interaction with people freaks me out sometimes I don’t talk at all and my mind is quite too


I won’t speak / respond to family or friends  or follow any SI maintaining the essentials of my life like paying bills or going to work are manageable only sometimes with great effort but usually I just call in sick and/ or deal with the consequences later 


My ex tried to get me out of it in very different ways but he made life a living hell for both of us so over time he realized that the only thing he can do is to leave me alone until I snap out of it in my own time 


Netflix is a great thing in those times I watch season after season just to make days passing and not have to deal with reality 


Sometimes I daydream about being brain dead or in a coma or going silence basically anything that puts a stop to the constant feeling of being overwhelmed and having to handle things / situations / people 


Since I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding the early signs and keep playing my “role” perfectly - if you realize that something is wrong with me I will be already at the deepest point possible and then it is just a matter of time before fight myself back to the surface 


Sadly I have no real skills yet to prevent it or any real influence on how long it takes me to get better / back to normal but I did get a better sense of what I need and what to do in those phases 


There is one saying that stuck with me and got me through most of it : 


Everything will be ok in the end - If it’s not ok - it’s not the end