Autistic drawer

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

Autistic drawer

Who of you read through my other posts like “autistic language” and “masking” already got an idea why socializing is complicated and exhausting for autistic

And even though it’s true that we have impairments in communication and social skills - that we have problems with it and avoid it is due to “normal” people not acknowledging or excepting our differences

And since I lived long enough in the States this is clearly a social problem of Germans not being open (minded) and using “drawer thinking”

I wouldn’t fit in any drawer because my thinking and behavior is mostly outside of the box but for most people different just equals weird, wrong or at least strange

On the other hand if people hear about my “drawer asperger” they are not informed well enough what that means and form prejudice with stereotype-knowledge

The reactions from people when telling them I am autistic are : “ I don’t think you are autistic - are you sure ?” , “you don’t look autistic”, “don’t hide behind a diagnose” or “ok ^^”- and conversation over

Not many ever ask me “really that is interesting what is that like ?!”

But even this will open up a rather long conversation I can’t / don’t want to have with everyone (since it still feels like stripping naked in front of you) so I usually just shut my mouth and mask until I can get out of the social situation

Of course I feel most comfortable with people I feel safe enough to not having to mask everything and what’s left would be just a modification of the truth

How I said it’s sadly really rare to find someone to be able to not mask at all so far in 35 years I found 2 men I could be myself with and felt good about it

I hope I don’t have to wait another 17 years to find that again since it’s not up to me alone to let the mask slip but for them to love what’s behind

With my ex boyfriend I was at least close enough to my real me otherwise I couldn’t have handled it for so long but to put it mildly : he didn’t bring out the best in me at all and he was more in love with my role I played than with the person I was

But even worse than not feeling loved for who I am was when I dated the last guy being myself trough and through and the most honest I ever was and him being scared of by the mask he saw I wore with others mistaking it for my true self believing the lie instead of the truth

Since then I don’t like to be seen for anything other than me and i started not masking at all if I don’t have to

but I wasn’t able to connect to anyone on a deeper level yet and my all-or-nothing attitude is being in the way of somewhat in the middle (and also this worlds way of dating is just not for me;)

That social interaction are exhausting with and without masking, that I need a lot of preparation for simple things like joining a party and trying to prepare for the unknown, the need to sticking to a routine and not being able to act spontaneously and my inability to connect with others outside of my SI - are enorm isolating factors

So it maybe looks like “my choice” to stay by myself but it’s the big gap caused by my autism that’s sometime just impossible to overcome and being lonely is the price I have to pay for being born other than “normal” and into a country that can’t handle that

This is why I decided to address my writing to you - to try to make you be more open minded and introduce the real content of the “autistic drawer”

And with that trying to built a bridge between the “normal” and autistic world so we can enjoy it together