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autistic life

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

I had a lot of struggle in my life with being an undiagnosed asperger autist

It was always hard to find my place or role in this world


Before puberty i was automatically put in the role of the child and even though I already felt I was different from others it didn’t bother me back then because I saw that everyone was different from another ...

I had many meltdowns and with that uncontrolled emotional break outs making my parents wonder why I reacted so different to their parenting than my siblings would but all in all i had a pretty good childhood


As I got older being different became more and more a problem

Mobbing and bullying started in primary school


I always struggled to make friends or to be part of a group

I had one best friend since kindergarten and she meant the world to me but we weren’t the best influence on each other but she was my way into a social circle


As a teenager I joined Antifa I liked that you could adapt your dress code to make visible where you belonged to so I shaved my head and wore punker outfits

I also found that smoking weed helped with anxiety and sensory overload and people included me in their clique


Even though I’ve been always smart I did struggle in school a lot always being accused of being lazy not reaching the goals that people thought -specially with my intellect- should be a cakewalk

But my brain always worked too different that the teaching style of and for “normal” people just wasn’t a good fit for me


If I couldn’t follow a subject or learn the meaning because my brain simply wouldn’t pick it up my classmates would just pull their eyebrows together but if a subject became my newest SI and with that me collecting enormous knowledge and fakts together and talking obsessively about it they clearly thought I was a weirdo


I never had more than one person in class I got along with usually I just joined an other outsider

I was always dominant and aggressive some people were even scared of me but this was just a role to cover up and deal with how hurt I was to be left out


I turned into a “problem teenager” taking drugs, running away, ditching school and not caring for my future at all

I gave my parents a really hard time with that, them still thinking they did something wrong or not understanding why I was so “wrong” either


I only just in time improved enough to get my school degree which of course didn’t reflect any of my real possible performance or abilities


When I started my education to become a kindergarten teacher it was like I found my calling my grades were good and I even got along in the class


I could hide well enough that moving out of my parents house (and many conflicts happing with even breaking of contact completely for a while) made me struggle a lot and causing OCD behavior


I loved the many art classes and being able to learn more about the stuff I already was interested in - for the first time I thought I found my place in this world


But I got very sick and wasn’t able to complete my education and needed to repeat the class and with that I was back to hell

The class already formed making me the outsider right from the start and then my unusual behavior did the rest and mobbing and bullying started all over again


I once even looked through an A-Z book of professions / jobs and made a little list of what might be an alternative so I could quit and try something else but nothing called me like the profession of working with kids


So I pulled through - struggling every day! My grades reflecting it as well with going from a solid A down to D and fighting not to get too many incomplete so I would still get my degree


I also struggled to complete the practical part of my education because of even more destabilizing events in my life leaving me traumatized and going back to taking a lot of drugs to cope from it


But what came after was even worse I struggled in my chosen and well fought for profession from day one and with switching kindergarten it always got even worse and worse


So signing up to be an Au-pair (which I always wanted to do but needed to finish my education first) in the middle of the night, moving out of my new apartment, breaking up a 5 year long relationship and leaving my pets behind to live in the States was me FLEEING from this nightmare of life that I had !


When you read my first post you know that after it things got better but in one way they got worse : I had to leave “me” behind the moment I had to leave the USA

There was no “room” here for my new self and people still saw me for who I was before and not for who I became in that just one year abroad


Ever since I am trying to live that life that I had there here but I hit rock bottom when I fell back into the patterns of my old life myself failing in a kindergarten again leaving me in the worst burnout ever


I started acting, went to life-changing coaching and workshops and tried to start over once more

But life still felt like the same roller-coaster as always


Even today with knowing my diagnose being well reflected and stuffed with dozen technics and strategies to cope -life is still hard for me - every day!

Just in the beginning of this year I had one of my worst break downs ever and another push on the start over button


I finally broke free of a toxic relationship, got my own place again, asked for help in my day to day life and living it the best way I can and I improved a lot since then

I recently had to endure a very big loss and in my opinion I handled it better than I thought I would


I am also doing fine on my own but I barely have any social life

I feel constantly isolated and often lonely

I miss real connections to people or at least one other person that am able to let in / close


But that’s the drawback of being autistic if I let people in they will see me struggling and the shadows of being on the spectrum


And if they care (enough) about me they will take it upon themselves to feel responsible for me and soon getting overwhelmed with it (or just the thought of it) but that’s the biggest miscommunication / misinterpretation because they literally can’t “fix” me or even help me that much - the only thing I would need from them would be some understanding and support for me working things out myself


If the perception of autistic people would improve and people finally would start to be more aware of our disabilities they would find that on the other hand we do have strong abilities and unique personalities they often just don’t fit in your world


Living with autism can be a hard and lonely life - living it with an almost constant “struggle” but you could make it easier by not judging us for being different or trying to make us meet your expectations of being „normal“


Because I am not „normal“ but I am not „wrong“ either

I am just different and trying as hard as I can to adapt but I still need you to except me like I am


And it took me long enough to figure it out myself and built up the courage to show who that is..