Be aware of autism !

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

There are many aspects of being a human being but even more if you are autistic

I got my diagnose last year after failing over and over again in my chosen profession as a kindergarten teacher I love working with kids they are so authentic and honest and pure and they always love me since it seems I never grew up myself but working with other adults specially women made this job impossible for me since there was always bullying and mobbing

The feeling nobody „gets“ you started as a teenager I always felt different like this was some kind of alien planet as more I tried to make myself be understood the more I got left out because I am „weird“

so many many years of my life I spent reading others - trying to copy them pretending to be „normal“ like them - but that just made me feel even more disconnected with myself, them and this world 

I’ve always been extreme there- was never a middle or just a little bit- what I could do was all or nothing so since I couldn’t be fully what I thought I should be to get along in this world I simply wanted to stop to exist all together 

having suicidal thoughts were never dark they felt like an easy way out of this mess , quiet and very peaceful  

I didn’t know what sensory overload was but I had it my entire life - my senses are so sensitive and they all shoot unfiltered into my brain at once 

I was experimenting with drugs to make it stop or I pretended to sleep to just get some rest from this hell of course real sleep isn’t something I archive easily when the thoughts and then the dreams never shut up 

I came to realize quickly that life seems to be this hard only for me with my parents and friends always saying “why can’t you just act like a normal person” and for so many years I never had an answer 

I only knew I was „wrong“ and I was also really scared of finding out what it is

I remember reacting really aggressive whenever my mum wanted me to see a therapist (I have to admit that I kind of thought it’s my parents fault that I was messed up even though I felt that it wasn’t true)

I had many depression episodes, burnout basically feeling overwhelmed all the time 

The only time I remember I ever was happy was when I lived in Austin - being different there meant something else since they excused my behavior with being German also I lived all of my special interest there and i was able to let go of my „role“ that i played back home and define myself new I even found true love and real friendships found new things to get obsessed about and felt home for the first time in my entire life 

Not fighting harder to stay there is one regret i will have to live with i tried to get back for so many years but failed over and over again and it didn’t make my life easier here at all 

The only thing good was that it helped my career and I got jobs in bilingual schools and even learned Russian on top of it 

Traveling back and forth was the only thing that made me happy it was (and still is) hard to put down roots in Berlin when I wanted to be back in the States and it made me feel like I am in a constant split between those two worlds 

And it never felt like I can be ME here and I missed this very best version of myself very much (still do)

Things got better when I started acting with that I also found a way to define myself again and also use my skills of pretending to be someone else which I practiced my entire life just to survive 

That was the only time that I remember that I felt almost complete even living in Berlin

But if I look back I struggled so many times feeling like riding a roller coaster

When I found out about asperger autism I couldn’t believe HOW much of it it defines me 

How many things of what i think, i do and what I feel are explained by it 

I wanted to stop masking all together the second I realized that this was why I was unhappy all the time - trying to be something I am not instead of being WHO I am and to my surprise it was a constant relieve to find out what was “wrong” with me  

To realize I have “superpowers” to be proud of what makes me unique 

I don’t have a dominant hand, my sense of pain is different / I almost don’t feel it, my memory works almost photographic or not at all, I might have no sense for direction but a sixth sense for other stuff and I may can’t / don’t like eye contact but (if you let me) I can see into your soul 

If i am not overwhelmed by it having heightened senses can also be fun like REALLY seeing, hearing, feeling , smelling or tasting something

And there are still things I can’t even explain: like how music is received like colors and numbers like shapes, how I can see so much more detail .. how maybe I don’t get every joke, tone or sarcasm but language and words have different melodies 

And yes it’s sucks not being able to lie and hurting people with my brutal truth but at least I am authentic and only fake it if I really have to 

But even with “knowing” this world is still not autistic friendly I am still too loud and still too much and too weird to fit in 

At least found a job where I can work with (only) kids and I love it very very much !!! Since I still can’t work in a kindergarten because I can’t help that I am different and don’t get along with co-workers or bosses and I am sensitive to stress and I get easily overwhelmed but if someone could just “walk in my shoes” for only one day they would understand that not putting my hands over my ears and running away screaming or hugging myself and swinging back and forth to calm down is taking a HUGE effort! 

I got rid of most stimming like that to stop drawing attention but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle everyday with sensory overload , meltdowns and shutdowns - I just got better at hiding it !

There is too much what makes being autistic so hard in this world that I couldn’t even name it all and there is no break, no off switch and no cure 

Sometimes I just want to wear a big sign saying :” watch out Asperger” but people don’t even know much about it or how to interact with “us” so it wouldn’t be any help 

I only told my parents and few really close friends - most people I didn’t  “trust” enough to “come out” (yet)

I tried my whole life to learn the way “normal” people live and behave to make it easier for them to except ME but it should be the other way around! There are more autistic people than you would think and the “normal” people could make things so much easier for them if they would simply be aware of “us” and except us for being different

 It would help so much not pretending all the time, hiding my traits and being able act authentic for at least some parts of the day - maybe then I wouldn’t feel the constant need to get away from social interactions or feeling overwhelmed by easy tasks like grocery shopping or being exposed to “public” 

Not even to mention harder things like parties , groups or even trying to maintain friendships or relationships 

I think the worst part is that I want and need people in my life I am outgoing and extroverted even as an asperger so I always feel the inner conflict of needing connections to people but being unable to form them or keep them 

I mostly connect through my special interests like music , art , acrobatics and so on since my autism makes simple smalltalk impossible 

I got no sense of when to speak up or shut up so I am either too quiet or oversharing with taking too much or I get either bored with people or obsessed again no middle and no “normal” 

I think I am sharing all of this because I still struggle with not being seen for who I am and tired of trying to be someone I am not and never will be 

But there is so much of me that wants to be lived that needs to be expressed but this world doesn’t “let me” 

So please : Be aware of autism!