Let’s talk about sex

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

I talked about living with autism in different aspects in life but if you are interested in how being autistic affects sex - here are some of my experiences

Who read through my other posts already knows that the senses are heightened if you are autistic and being social / interact with people becomes a challenge every single day - avoiding social interactions, being incapable of small talk and eye contact, misinterpreting signals, being socially „awkward“ and overwhelmed makes meeting people and dating a hard task to begin with so having sex is even more difficult if you are autistic

I was curious myself how other autistic people live their sex-life and was surprised to find out that a lot of them are asexual - not only are they bothered by the „messiness“ of it and stating that it’s simply too overwhelming they also describe that they have no desire / sexdrive to get involved with people in that way at all

And even though I can understand their point of view since it is pretty overwhelming and being that close to someone and loosing control of things is something I had to get used to - I learned to enjoy it

The all-or-nothing rule seems to be accurate again and that it’s either asexual or being overly active but no „normal“ or in between also switching from one to the other in phases is very likely

I also realized that it’s pretty common for autistic people to be more open and experimental when sexually active and that most aspergers are attracted to people and character not gender

so being gay or bi-sexual is not unusual

As a teenager I already knew that I was different from others but puberty hit me just like everyone else I had crushes and was very curious what the fuzz was all about

My first time happened when I was 14 with my first “boyfriend” and best friend and I have to say I am glad it happened with him since I had a nice and pleasant experience and a lot of fun ;)

The second time a year later was the opposite and even though I don’t remember much of it - not even his name- I do remember it being awful and me being glad when others interrupted us and he finally stopped!

I think if this would have been my first I wouldn’t have tried it again for a LONG time - but now I simply knew what bad sex was and decided : nope don’t want that again !

It made me cautious to only go there if I felt very attracted and “safe” while making out so I didn’t sleep with anyone before I met my first real boyfriend (he was a virgin so we took it slow anyway)

After my confidence of being the experienced one wore of i did realize that I am the opposite of confident that the overwhelming sensation (sensory overload) of it made me insecure and unable to really enjoy much of it - my boyfriend was really sweet and gentle and always aware of me being over stimulated by it but there was no simple solution so eventually we stopped having much sex - I always heard about couples going through lows in their sex life I just didn’t think that would happen with 17 -

After we broke up (the final time) a few years later I started covering up my being uncomfortable with it and started playing my role and even over-compensated a little bit to make it look like I am “normal”

I also swore of guys for a time and started a relationship with a girl - the sex part was incredibly pleasant and I learned a lot about my body and to deal with sensations but the relationship part was exhausting and full of drama and arguments

But with the years and experiences I perfected my “role” to appear normal and hide my being overwhelmed and uncomfortable with being the dominant part and controlling the situation

It wasn’t until I came across BDSM (many years later) that I realized that my heightened senses and over stimulation and sensory overload could be used to create extreme experiences and sensational firework

I not only learned to give up control altogether but to enjoy it to the fullest

It felt like I found my “calling” and started exploring a very new and different sex life

I gained a lot of confidence and ability to not only endure the overwhelming aspects of it but to savor everything that makes me experience physical touch more intense

And if people don’t know I am autistic they wouldn’t know that it feels so much different to me to be intimate, how all my heightened senses making me feel like I am on fire, that it is such an intense experience that my brain can’t take it all in at once - so afterwards I would only remember little flashes of what happened, that I am incapable of making eye contact and struggling to be that “close” ( I often put a hand on the chest so there is just a little space between the bodies) and that it took a lot of “practice” and coping skills to make it enjoyable

So in my experiences -yes - being autistic does affect sex and makes it a different experience than for “normal” people and for them as well sleeping with someone autistic

But the bigger problem is the impairment in meeting someone, dating or maintaining a relationship

I hope you enjoyed my little insight into autistic sex life and being too honest and open even about a “tabu” is just an other trait of living with autism ;)