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Love and Autism

  • Seminarverwaltung Support
  • 17.01.2020
  • living with autism

I think it’s human nature to want to find love in your life to connect to someone and to be able to share things with each other ... for me as an asperger autist love seemed to be so complex and difficult I couldn’t even connect with myself so how should I be able to do this with other people 


I always thought relationships are meant to be hard, full of arguments and struggle for compromise 


That’s what I saw in the relationships around me and what I experienced in dating as a teenager / young adult 


It wasn’t until I lived in the States and being happy and the best version of myself that I found out what real and unconditional love is / feels like 


The saying you have to love yourself before you can love someone else is so true 


But being autistic and living with a constant struggle doesn’t make that part easy 


And what’s even worse is that I played so many different roles to fit into this world that I lost the sense of who I am 


So when I formed relationships I acted like the person I thought I need to be for them and it wasn’t long before things went wrong and I felt unhappy in the role I basically gave myself ..


I am not sure if it’s an autistic trait or just my personality but being extreme in what I do, having an all or nothing attitude didn’t make things easier either 


And when your emotions are so strong  and your senses overwhelming staying calm and rational wasn’t something I could do 


I often stayed longer in a relationship than was good for me simply because I knew how hard it is for me to form them so fighting to maintain even an unhappy one was better than to try to find a new one .. 


the conflict of needing a lot of time for myself but being dependent on an other  person was incredibly hard so I felt either caged in or lonely 


It’s not easy for me to let someone in but if I do it’s permanent - I really see people for who they are I connect on a deeper level than this world is made for and it scares people off since they are so used to that fake and superficial bullshit in this society 


with my sensitive senses I collect so many details about the people I am with that letting go becomes more and more impossible as I get obsessed with this person I am with 


When a relationship ends it’s takes me a long time to figure out again who I am without it 


And since routine is essential for me it’s incredibly hard for me to endure change so I can’t simply switch man like the kind of cereal in the morning 


If someone leaves me they always take a huge part of me with them - the part I created while being with them and without it I feel incomplete and lost 


I miss them as much as I miss this version of me that I was with them 


And if I was able to feel like myself connecting with them while being able to still be “me” if they saw me for the person I am - it doesn’t only break my heart if they leave it also breaks me and everything that comes after just feels dull/grey and uninteresting and it takes forever to let it go and to move on 


I really think if i love someone I love too much there is no balance or no “normal”


I am too intense and often considered “too much” but loving less for me just means not loving at all I can’t manage to be half hearted so to speak 


My dreams seem simple finding a man that I love and care for that gives me my space without loosing the connection, to have a family and live a “normal” day to day live, share experiences and joy ... 


but I am turning 36, I am Single, I have no children and no idea if I will ever find someone that I can be myself with but doesn’t get scared off by who that is ...